I know it’s just a phone, but it’s the phone that Joel texted me on last and I just can’t even think of getting rid of it without crying hysterically for 2 hours.
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brittainmac asked:
What the rest of that was suppose to say was.... I got my goodbye that I didn't get in real life. And it was the one thing that really allowed me to start to move on with my life. I hope that this dream does the same for you. That you can find some peace with all the bad shit that has happened these last few months.That was my exact experience. I just feel at peace now. I don’t like everything that’s been happening of course, but I finally feel like everything WILL be okay eventually. And…I’m not angry anymore. I love it.
From Nebraska
Nebraska
We were walking down a hall. Lots of people, and I’m not sure where we were going, but no one was in a rush. Some people were going in and out of doors that were on the side of the hall. Some people were sitting on the chairs and couches to the side. I don’t know what group of people I was with, but I was just as comfortable as everyone else.
I heard a familiar voice laughing and talking to someone else. They were to the right of me. In the middle of me turning around to look, they put their arm around me. It was Joel, just as happy as could be. He was wearing a teal shirt with some small white words on it, khaki pants, and the “jesus” sandals he wore when he was in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I was shocked. He just laughed.
We sat on a tan couch and held hands. I told him how much I missed him. How much we all missed him. He told me that we’d all do fine without him. Then he chuckled and said “And you can watch Harry Potter without me too.” But I know I can’t. Not yet at least. He asked how everyone was doing, and I updated him on our lives. He had somewhat of a proud look on his face, like he was so happy for all of us. Like he’d only moved to Nebraska and was reading my letter and couldn’t wait until the next visit.
I asked him why he did it. I must admit that part of me was angry, the other part of me wanted him to tell me what we’d all done wrong. Or what we could have done. He just looked up to his left, shrugged, and said “I just…it just had to happen, I guess.” I don’t know what that means, But it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about. The subject changed back to how much I missed him and he told me he missed me too. Then he told me that everything is okay now. I told him that I felt funny and he told me that I was about to wake up. But I told him that I missed him too much and that I wasn’t ready to wake up yet. He laughed and said “I love you.”, the he hugged me.
We exchanged goodbyes during our embrace and he was smiling the whole time. We didn’t cry at all. There was no sadness. We were just happy to be together at that moment.
Maybe there’s a God up there trying to give me closure, but I choose to think that I really did get to say goodbye. It was really him. It had to be. Some fake Joel wouldn’t have laughed that much, or told me to Watch Harry Potter. And he would have told me that it was an accident.
But he didn’t.
I don’t really care who believes me. I got to hug him one more time and I got to say goodbye.
He hugged me.
Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer’s day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land
Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they’ll listen now
Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand
For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can’t forget.
Like the stranger that you’ve met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will.
Harry Potter
On Wednesday, Alex was taking me home. When we passed the smoker’s bench on the 3rd floor of the parking deck, I saw Joel. I rolled down the window and yelled his name in the silliest way I could come up with. He jumped and waved. When we drove up to the same spot on the second floor, I saw Joel standing there. He had run down the stairs to talk to me, waiting with that giant smile of his.
We still need to watch Harry Potter!
I know! What are you doing this weekend?
How about Saturday?
Sounds good to me! I’ll see you on Saturday!
I went home, and went to sleep just like I do every night.
On Friday, Brian walked into the apartment, where Alex and I were playing video games. He seemed frantic, saying that there was an ambulance at Joel’s house, 3 blocks away, and that Joel was on an oxygen machine. I didn’t think much of it, assuming an asthma attack or something else treatable.
That night while sitting in the Springer Opera House, and RA and one of my closest friends, Tyrell, texted me.
Are you okay?
Yes sir. Are you…?
Yeah…I’m just making sure because of Joel.
Oh. I haven’t heard any news recently about the situation. Other than he was being treated by the EMTs.
He didn’t text me back.
Has something else happened?
He died.
That’s when everything stopped. My world hasn’t started turning since then.
On Saturday I woke up. I didn’t watch Harry Potter with Joel. Instead I came to the most painful realization of my life.
He’s really gone.
I’m waiting for a call telling me it was a joke. I’m waiting to wake up from this terrible nightmare. And I don’t think I’l ever stop waiting to see him again, with that giant smile of his. To hear him singing whatever had just popped into his head. To hear him ask me to dance. To pull the curl that grew above his forehead right before he needed a haircut.
Save a dance for me, Joel. I’ll be seeing you.