My summer roommate is moving in right now. I’m not used to living with a person in my room, but she’s really cool so it will probably be awesome.

Probably.

I’m currently trying to write my lesson plan for tomorrow. It’s not working out very well. For some reason I’m going blank on everything. Content, ideas, timing. It’s all flown out of the window. I should be a lot more bothered than I actually am. I’ve tried watching Jeff Who Lives At Home for some mental stimulation and background noise. I couldn’t pay attention to that either. So its looking like I currently can’t concentrate or be distracted. 

This whole my-mom-caring-about-me thing is something I haven’t quite gotten used to. Today she asked me how school was going and I told her that my grades are right where I want them and my only concern is my fiscal security. She then told me that I don’t need to worry or get stressed out about that because she could pay for everything this summer and towards the end of the semester if I get low on cash. She says she knows that I’ve been working hard and that it’s difficult to get a job when no one around where I live is hiring and I don’t have a car, plus my rent doesn’t cost much and I don’t spend money frivolously. 

While all of these things are true, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that my mom WANTS to help me out. I told her that I feel bad asking for money and she was …surprised. Then again, my brother expects her to pay for everything and provide for him even though he’s 20 years old and has a job. She says that she knows I’m trying and someone that works this hard shouldn’t have to worry so much about life.

It’s refreshing. Finally the universe is sending me help when I need it, and it couldn’t have happened at a better time. Seriously, this everything-will-be-okay bullshit was running me thin. I don’t end up okay. Okay doesn’t happen to me. Not sure if you’ve noticed, but I have a sad life.

That’s okay. Things are finally looking up. 

Change is good. Change is natural. Change is unruly.

Well since nobody wants to tell me whether or not class is actually cancelled today, I’ve made the executive decision to just not go.

No regrets.

Just love.

I had fantastic lunch and breakfast dates today.

Then I came home and my brother gave me this long speech about how I was a failure because I have student loans so I have no right to spend money that isn’t mine. Also, apparently everyone with loans is a failure because they can’t afford college on their own. Mind you, he still lives at home and does not pay rent. Oh, an then he told me that I am a burden because I don’t contribute to the household.
Even though I live four hours away.
And pay my own bills.
He says that he has “the right to” call my other brothers stupid because they act stupid all of the time an someone needs to tell them. Also, my mother has an obligation to drive him to and from work everyday because she can’t afford to send him away to college and she’s the one that decided to have a family so it’s her responsibility to take care of him until he “feels like moving out”.

I wasn’t sure what made him say all of these things, so I told him that I didn’t know what I did to make him randomly start yelling at me, but I was sorry if I did something wrong. Then he told me that i was a mean and terrible person. So I told him to go away and never to talk to me again because we basically just sat there and looked at him while he ranted. Then he told me that I was a terrible person.

So I told him to go play in traffic.

I’m not really sure what just happened.

Seriously, is it that hard to knock on my door, which is right by the washer and dryer, and say that you need the washer/dryer? Or how about this: You could FUCKING WAIT UNTIL THE CYCLE IS DONE AND NOT STOP THE MACHINE AND TAKE MY SOAKING WET LAUNDRY OUT AND DUMP IT ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT. 

In other news, I got my grades back and I made 4 A’s and one B. All of this hard work made my GPA go up an astounding 0.17 points! The bullshit of a GPA system we use now needs to be reformed. I’ve been making A’s since I came back to college and it’s barely paying off. Can I just go to school in Europe?

and I’m listening to my The Papas and the Mamas album, because I thought it would make me relaxed so that I’d feel like I can do anything. In reality, it makes me so relaxed that I feel like I can do anything, but don’t have to and everything will be fine either way.

I should stop playing this and be productive.

….time for side B.

It looks like I’ll be spending Thanksgiving alone. My planned mode of transportation has…is not possible anymore and all other ideas are too expensive or also not possible.

So that’s nice.

I’m not bitter.

Okay, maybe a little.

But it all works out. I have too much school work to do anyway and there’s no way I would get all of my projects done between the traveling and holiday happiness. 

Do they make turkey flavored Ramen?

I just checked my bank account and I almost cried. Yes, I have enough to survive, but I also have to fund a trip to Florida for the holidays in November and I doubt I’ll get any help for that. One of my mother’s favorite things to do is to complain about my life choices, like going to college or not visiting every weekend, but not give me a dime to do all of these expensive things that she needs to badly.

Also, when I did visit this fall, my mother made plans with me and then blew me off for that douche face just like she did when I lived at home. 

Ehem.

Sorry.

I’ve gone without buying a new computer or the dress shirts that I need and I’ve been eating at home more than I ever have in my life. At least my credit card isn’t maxed out, so that’s a good thing.

No worries. I got through spring semester without dying. Plus, I’ve been working so hard that my GPA may be high enough to get me some more scholarships. I might have a job next semester. Or not. Either way, I’ll survive. Or not. Who knows?

And we were all acting like we didn’t hear her, so she kept repeating it louder and louder.